Hello, my friends, welcome back to the Healthy Eating for Busy Women podcast. My name is Kat. I am happy you’re here.And if you are new, I am excited you found this podcast. I […0.5s] know we live in a culture right now that is so overwhelmed with information and resources, and so I just consider myself very lucky that you somehow made your way […0.5s] to this episode. And if you’re new here, it is my mission to help […0.6s] you come up with a manner of healthy eating, reaching your ideal way, improving your life that fits you. I say to my ladies all the time, it is not your job to fit another process telling you exactly the right or wrong things to do. It’s for me to help you make sense of your own mind, your eating habits and figuring out a customized […0.5s] way that this can fit into your life.So, […0.4s] for context, I have been doing this for almost the last decade now, so I have seen it all. Nothing, or I don’t wanna say nothing is unfamiliar to me. But I really have coached women of all backgrounds all around the world, all different scenarios. So you are in the right place.If you really wanna get out of your own way when it comes to changing the way you eat, I can help you.And today we’re gonna talk about something very specific, which is exciting. Because I don’t think I’ve devoted an entire episode to this before, which is accountability with friends. But what I’m really referring to here is when we want to, make a social activity out of […0.4s] getting healthier and personal growth.And as a people person, you guys, this is something that honestly comes, kind of naturally to me.So right off the bat, I just wanna say this is not something I am against from this […0.5s] morally superior place. I think that there’s quite a bit of sources online on one end of the spectrum that says, never rely on anyone for anything. Take […0.4s] control of your own results.And that is all true, you guys know that that is necessary, but I also wanna make sure we understand that community is something strategically that can massively help you. And in fact, both of my programs are community base. So whether that’s my membership or my mastermind.But today what I wanna talk about is where this can help or hurt you. So you can have a barometer on […0.7s] where you might be keeping yourself stuck. And this is something I still actively look for because again, I’m a very, people loving person.I love to socialize. I love camaraderie. I love community. But there is a way to involve community in your personal growth in a way that can hold you back. And there’s a way to do it in a way that can be lighter fluid on your progress, which is what my programs do.So let’s talk about it. This is a question that comes up a lot. I actually had a client print it up to me again recently, which is probably why I thought to do this episode. […0.5s] And she said to me that she was doing an accountability challenge with her friend. When it came to […0.6s] losing weight and changing the way she ate, and it felt really good. It was something she was really excited about. Now y’all know I want you to feel good and be excited about your health goals.This is a good thing. However, we want to be able to discern […0.6s] why we are looking for accountability with our friends, because it sounds really productive on the surface always, right. We’ll have shared goals with other humans. We’ll be able to check in with each other, support each other.But the big main thing I want you guys to consider […0.5s] is this accountability actually going to create the results you want? Or is it just gonna provide you the feelings of making progress?Is it gonna provide you that comfy motivation that makes it feel like you’re at the end result already and that it’s guaranteed, but actually it’s not gonna be what changes things long term. Haha.Right. And I know y’all know what I mean. And let’s just acknowledge why the accountability with friends peace feels so good. So maybe this is when you sign up for a gym membership and there’s a challenge. I know I joined an orange theory recently and it’s so fun and there was that transformation challenge.So fun, right? You get a tracker that you get to check off. You join a new community that feels amazing. Or maybe there’s co workers or friends who want to change the way they eat and you show up at work and hold each other accountable for eating what food you made.This is the vibe we’re talking about. And here’s why it feels so good. It’s because all of a sudden you’ve normalized and created camaraderie around a shared problem. You now have some external structure.So you maybe have check ins or a text thread that you have to keep up with. And it will give you a sense of control and progress because of that motivation.So in case y’all don’t explicitly know what motivation is, I’ve done a few podcasts on this. But motivation is the anticipation of a the reward that you will […0.5s] get when you achieve a certain result.So this is why so many of y’all who are Type a like me, you love to plan, you love to organize. It’s because of the motivation that dopamine hit you get from doing that thing. Cause it has us anticipating how the end result is gonna feel ahead of time.Now where motivation can become a problem. It’s not in the dopamine hit. It’s when we mistakenly think that the dopamine anticipation of the end result leads us towards it all right, and motivation does not move us towards a result at all.This is something that we continuously have to deprogram in our minds, and this is something that accountability with friends can serve a function of. It’s feeling more motivated and closer to an end result because of that anticipation, but actually we haven’t moved forward at all.Right, and where can keep us distracted a lot is when we’re feeling motivation internally, but we’re not creating results externally. We can indulge in this for years, and I’m gonna say something that’s gonna be hard to hear, but it’s very real.You guys, most people will stay in this kind of motivation purgatory for the rest of their lives, where they are hobbying with healthy eating and weight loss and wellness without actually ever creating the result, because of how the motivational environments makes them feel. Does this make sense?And so what I really want you guys to be able to do, cause I know that’s why you’re here.You’re my people is to no longer be a person who hobbies their health and wellness, but someone who actively becomes an example of it […0.6s] with your results, where you truly have created a picture of the woman who has taken action on these health goals, not planned for them or dabbled in accountability with them. Does that make sense?So this is why you guys, I gave the disclaimer that I love, accountability and community, because I really do, but I am very clear with you guys on when it helps and when it hurts you.And the truth is a lot of us reaching for accountability with friends are feeling safe in the dabbling stage.We’re hobbying our growth, and this is exactly what kind of that hidden problem with accountability with friends is. It’s collectively a group of people oftentimes, not all the time, often times who are comfortable hobbying a result rather than creating it.It’s together doing things that feel productive, but don’t actually move the needle, and the thing that will come up a lot that feels really good are, maybe you create checklist or, habit trackers.And you’re just constantly trying new things, oh, I’m gonna exercise, and now I’m gonna focus on my eating habits, and now I’m gonna focus on this.It’s a little bit surface level and messy, and what I want you guys to understand is that in order to get where you wanna go, where you solve for […0.6s] your eating habits, your weight loss for the last time.You need strategy, and you need focus, and you need to not put liquid into 10 cups at once. You need to focus on one area at a time, and when you’re in a group of a lot of people who were, dabbling, and I’ve been there too.It’s so easy to do this, you guys. You will only ever create the surface of lots of different results without ever actually turning over the stone of each and moving forward. Does that make sense?I want you guys to see how this is a perfect recipe that feels really good. A lot of the times when we’re in these account, accountability groups, but we never fully get there. And I think as a coach who’s been doing this work for the past decade, and I’ve coached y’all to these results.Here’s what I want you to understand is that when you’re in an accountability group full of people who have not created this result, or maybe there’s someone in your group who has created the result, but they’ve done it in a way that works for them.You do not have an expert in that room of people who can discern what’s right and what’s wrong for you. So my skill as a coach in the past 10 years, this is my biggest skill. It’s not knowing the right and wrong things.I teach processes, I teach skills, I know how to create these results for many different people, but my biggest thing that I help you with is figuring out where your personal gaps are and filling them.Right. So when you have a group of people, either who don’t have the result you want and you’re all working towards the same thing, or maybe someone in the group has the result, but it’s in a way that works for them, right, then […0.5s] unintentionally excuses will be reinforced, blind spots will be missed, and there will be some emotional […0.5s] avoidance that is not being understood because two people in the same struggle share the same blind spots a lot of the time, or at the very least they won’t be able to point them out.And what we wanna be able to do is to acknowledge the problem very quickly so you can work on what you need to work on, right?But when you’re in the same struggle with someone, and that goes for me as well, it’s really easy to normalize the actual problem that’s happening and to miss […0.5s] actually the skill building that needs to occur.So for example, this is a random example, but […0.6s] let’s say I have a woman who comes to me and she’s in an accountability group and they’re working on an exercise challenge to lose weight, right, which is great.We love that exercise is very important, but as her coach, what I know is that actually the area of work she needs to focus on right now is that she’s eating too much on the weekends. Because during the week she experiences so much stress build up that on the weekend she needs to regulate it.And so what’s gonna happen is if she stays in this really excited accountability with her friends it’s not that it’s wrong, but she can’t miss the roots work that she needs to do right now to solve this problem.And accountability groups that are really fun can really distract from that, you guys.So does that make sense what I mean? We need to go about this with strategy and the proper expertise of someone who’s gonna really point out these blind spots, not people who will not only share the same struggles, but potentially indulge the problems that you’re having now.All right, and a big way that accountability groups can indulge the problem is again, it’s that dabbling. It’s that surface level checking the things off the list without understanding the deeper work that’s required. And also it’s not having a clean focus on a process.It’s dabbling with multiple goals at once. Maybe we lower our sugar intake and also exercise and up our protein. That’s not the way that’s gonna create results.So we wanna make sure you’re not going too broad […0.5s] by being in these groups where you’re trying to focus on all the things. You want a process that is specifically home to get you from a to Z […0.5s] now a huge thing about this too, and in case you’re new here, welcome.A big part of making these changes permanently is the identity piece. So in order to become someone who changes their eating habits, eats healthy naturally, lives at your ideal weight, you’re gonna have to change how you see yourself, which is what our identity is. It’s the thoughts you have about yourself. It’s your reasons for doing things.It’s genuinely yourself concept, and what I always want you guys to consider without judgment […0.6s] is, do you believe that the version of yourself who has the high level results you want is using accountability groups in order to have that result?Okay, and no judgment, right, but I want you to look for what I’m saying here. I want you to look for that thing that might relate to you with this, where the version of you who has mastered the result is a walking picture of what you wanna create. Is she doing accountability groups with these things, and why or why not, what is your reason?Because what I want you guys to really start understanding is who you’re becoming, who you will need to become to have these results you want.And when I tell you guys, it’s not the prettiest information, but most people in this world will only ever dabble in these healthy results that they want because it’s fun, it feels productive, it’s cute, it’s bonding, right?And again, I love those things, but if you want to pivot into this higher level where you actually have the results physically, then you’re gonna need to up your identity and yourself concept of how you operate in the world. And it’s not gonna look the same for everyone. It’s not about what we do or not do. It’s about how you see yourself and then what do you do from there.It’s identity first and then action second. And so I just want you guys to think about who you’re becoming and how she operates, right? Does she depend on accountability groups for things to feel fun to take action, or she willing to go through a higher level healing process where you’re focused on yourself? Does that make sense?And I always want you guys to know, it’s not about shame and doing one thing or another. It’s just, […0.6s] does this represent who you’re becoming?Almost always when I ask my clients this question, because my coaching is very customized with you guys, right? The answer is no, that this isn’t something you would do at that level. It’s something you do when you’re doubling and you’re resisting.So just consider that, the litmus test I want you to have is would the version of you with the results you want need accountability with friends to succeed?Would you need these accountability groups? Does accountability groups feel like it’s stretching you? Or does it feel familiar and comfortable?Right, in order to become the next version of yourself with your health and in your life, it’s meant to feel a bit stretching and confronting, and you’re overcoming internal obstacles.It’s gonna be really tough to do that with your friends, because quick little side note, right, this is something I’m always telling you guys.It is not really our job as friends or your friends job to tell you the hard thing, haha, you know what I mean. It’s not their job to be your coach or your specialist or to push you, right?I think this is something that’s really tough about accountability. The reason it doesn’t often work with your friends is because they’re there to love you no matter what, right? They’re not there to say, actually, here’s where you’re keeping yourself stuck, actually here’s this and that. Because one, they don’t have that expertise, right? And two, that’s not the role they’re meant to play. In my humble opinion, I think they’re there to just love you.And if you’re like, I’m having such a terrible day, they’re there to help you indulge […0.4s] in that because they love you so much.And honestly, it’s gonna be really important that we prove we can create these results separately from our safe places, our loved ones, because that is not their job. […0.6s] Another kind of lit miss test question is, are you focusing on your root area of work or the things that feel fun?So exercise is a really big one. A lot of you are trying to focus on exercise way too early when actually the reason you’re not losing weight is because you’re emotionally eating, right.So you need to learn how to be aware of your thoughts, regulate stress, coach yourself, which is what I teach you. And […0.5s] exercise can come later, nutrition can come later, but […0.5s] it’s important.You […0.4s] are addressing the root issues, and this is why you guys, my process is a four step process, and own your eating habits, and you go through four phases of healing, and those are in order of what’s necessary to grow.So for example, one phase, step 3 is for you to heal your body cues, […0.5s] right. You can’t do that work and listen to your body cues until you’ve regulated your stress on your body, because then it’s gonna skew your perception of those cues.Also to focus on what you eat, the nutrition, that’s not until a later step.You need to first bring down your cravings, which happens in step one. Now, and this is another big area that you need to understand.When you are in accountability groups, all of you are gonna be at different phases of your progress, and the order is gonna get all mixed up, and you’re gonna be working a lot harder for a result that doesn’t last.I want you guys to create this result in the most simplest, easiest way possible, and that means going through a process that helps you stop wasting time. Another question I really love to again to that litmus test is this helping me take responsibility for this result or share responsibility for this result?I will be so honest with you guys after doing this work in my life, coaching myself all the things I rarely share […0.6s] accountability in any result I want. I will join masterminds, I will have community, but it’s very different than accountability.Because accountability to me, when I think about it is I need someone to see that I’m following through, […0.5s] right, in order for me to keep doing it. I need someone to witness what I’m doing in order for me to be held accountable. And accountability is a great tool that is allowed. It’s totally fine.But what’s gonna create long term results is being able to take action when no one’s watching, right? Because accountability isn’t always gonna be available.You have to become someone who trust yourself enough to follow through even when you’re in the kitchen alone at 10 p. M. And the kids have gone to bed […0.6s] and no one’s watching if you eat the ice cream or don’t eat the ice cream, right?Those are real things. So that’s why, especially in the work with eating habits and health, accountability only goes so far, right? So all of that to say, here’s what actually tends to work better than accountability groups. And these are just things I want you to consider and try on.The first thing is radical self responsibility. This is something you can learn. It is not something you either have or don’t have.If you have found you have been outsourcing progress, what I want you to do is just take stock of when you’re doing that and then instead pivot to what is mine to own and mind to get support with right now.And think about what it would look like for you to take ownership of this result with yourself and not depend on anyone else to do it.Another thing is focusing on one core area of work at a time. Not a checklist of habits, not a tracker, not all these things that you plan for, right? I want you to really ask yourself, what is the main reason I am not creating the results I want?Is it because I’m eating too much? Is it because I feel stressed all the time? Is it this or that? Right, identify what that is and then get support for that thing and actually work on that skill before you move into something else.And the last thing is if you want to join a community of women to solve this problem or have that community, do it for connection, […0.5s] not for someone to hold you accountable.So I’ll give you guys an example. So I have my membership community which is the place women start to […0.5s] change the way they eat. That’s on your eating habits. And then I have the higher level mastermind for everybody. Both allow clients to create incredible results.Yes, because of the process and my coaching, but also because of the community. And what the community is, is it’s a lot of witnessing first off, right? So women are able to hold space for each other going through the same things they’re going through their own work.Yes, because no journey looks different, but they are all being coached and evaluating and showing up. And there is a normalizing that happens in the brain when you watch other women going through the same thing.It’s really hard to pity yourself when you’re in that space. It’s the biggest hack. And then also what happens when you’re in a community of coaching is you’re able to watch other people be coached and in return get coached yourself, which also helps other women.So it’s really this give and take, that’s so lovely and you get to learn from other people’s coaching as well, but you get to discern their learning and fit it into you. That’s the thing.And also you guys, it’s a community where there is someone supervising it, that’s the biggest piece, right? So the clients in my groups, they don’t indulge each other or have to come up with their own processes.They all are following my process and my coaching in order to create the results. So there’s a safety anchor there that doesn’t allow anyone to get too far off, base in terms of where their growth is. Does that make sense?So community versus that […0.5s] corrective accountability is gonna make all the difference.And the last thing I wanna say here just to give you guys peace of mind, I know it can be really hard, maybe if you’re […0.5s] in an accountability group or a text thread or whatever it is to feel like you’re othering yourself, right? You might not wanna offend anybody.You might not want to, make them feel like that you’re better than them, or be insecure and a quote I really love.I did not make this up, and I unfortunately don’t remember where I heard it […0.5s] is. The thing […0.7s] is the quote, you can’t leave anyone behind. They can just decide to not come with you. And this isn’t meant to be insensitive, but I want you guys to know that the women who […0.4s] are meant to grow where you wanna grow will be inspired by the steps you’re taking.So if you decide to do something yourself independently, meet your own needs when it comes to this. Then the ones who also want to be where you’re at and go where you’re going will come with you.If people have thoughts about you providing the resources you need to excel, then that is their business, and you know what people will have the thoughts. This is something very big. I coach on in my communities as my women grow, as my women reach their ideal bodies, people start to take notice.And there are two categories of people. There’s people who will be inspired and say, how did you do it? I’m coming. And there’s gonna be people who have thoughts about it, and who keep themselves small and are never going to grow.Right. And so I think at a certain point […0.6s] understand, yes, that they’re gonna have thoughts, and that gets to be their business. Although it can feel hard, but on a bigger scale, I think it’s a decision you have to make.I think you have to decide. You get two choices, do you wanna play small and go with the bigger group, or do you wanna play at a higher level and create optimal results?And are you willing to other yourself to do that? Because there’s a whole community of people who are working towards more optimal results with their health and doing the same thing. It’s just gonna be finding that community.And you guys, one of the biggest hacks you can do is to have a community of women who understand you and aren’t playing small and are really committed.So if you don’t wanna feel alone in this journey, and of course you want a process, we would love to welcome you inside on your eating habits.It really is gonna give you everything you need, but in the theme of today’s episode, it’s gonna give you that community that you might be looking for, but in a way that serves you. Because the reality is community only serves when you’re with other like minded women who want the same level of growth you want. And we’re doing that when it comes to changing the way you eat and creating your ideal body.So if you are interested, go to cat rent us com forward slash membership, and we can get you inside, coach you, you can get indoctrinated into the community. And just because accountability with friends might not be the most useful thing, doesn’t mean you have to do this alone.Alright, you’ve so got this. I hope this episode was helpful. I hope you took a piece of it that served you today, and you can use that to make more progress this week. I love you all so much, and I will talk to you soon.